Raising Emotionally Intelligent Children
Leahcim Semaj, Ph.D. - Change Agent

More research is now being directed at understanding the developmental process that directs Emotional Intelligence (EQ). Your Emotional Intelligence (EQ) is simply defined as your ability to handle your own feelings and be aware and respectful of those of other people.

Dr John Gottman explains in his book "Raising an Emotionally Intelligent Child" that love by itself wasn't enough to become a good parent. Parents who were otherwise concerned, warm, and involved often had attitudes toward their own and their children's emotions that got in the way of them being able to talk to their children when they were sad or afraid or angry. By being able to channel that caring into some basic skills that parents practice as if they were coaching their children in the area of emotion you can have a significant impact on your child. Parents need to learn how to work with the cauldron of emotions that get stirred up between parent and child when conflicts arise.

What are the five elements of emotion coaching?

• Be aware of a child's emotions
  
• Recognize emotional expression as an opportunity for intimacy and teaching
  
• Listen empathetically and validate a child's feelings
  
• Label emotions in words a child can understand
  
• Help a child come up with an appropriate way to solve a problem or deal with an upsetting issue or situation

Gottman's research demonstrated that children of emotion-coaching parents had more general abilities in the area of their own emotions than children who were not coached by their parents.
In other words, these "coached" children grew up to become "emotionally intelligent" people.

What are characteristics of these children? These children --

• Are able to regulate their emotional states.
  
• Are better at soothing themselves when they are upset.
  
• Could calm down faster after something upsetting happens.
  
• Have fewer infectious illnesses.
  
• Are better at focusing attention.
  
• Relate better to other people, even in tough situations like getting teased in middle school.
  
• Are better at understanding people.
  
• Have better friendships with other children.
  
• Are better in school situations that require academic performance.

How you can teach emotional intelligence?
Use the moments when your children are most emotional as opportunities for this sort of teaching and for developing your bond with them. Teach them how to analyze their feelings and handle conflict, particularly when they're angry, sad, or frustrated. Here are the five steps recommend.

Try to be aware of your child's emotions. Kids don't always tell you what's going on in their lives. If your child seems sad or upset for no obvious reason, it's wise to look at the big picture and think about what might be troubling him. Has he moved to a new school? Did you and your spouse have a bitter argument within earshot of the child? Young children often give clues to what they're thinking during fantasy play. A child's fearful reaction may also be a clue that you sound too loud, scary, and unpredictable, giving you the opportunity to apologize for not handling your anger better and assuring her that you'll try to talk more softly and control your anger better in the future.

Look at negative emotions as opportunities for intimacy and teaching. You can use all your child's feelings, negative as well as positive, in teaching him how to deal constructively with his emotions. Some parents, hoping to help their children avoid suffering, will make dismissive comments ("That dog was getting old anyway"). What the child may learn, though, is that his feelings aren't seen as important. Rather than minimizing your child's feelings, try to listen and sympathize, even if it makes you anxious or uncomfortable ("It's hard when a pet dies, isn't it?").

Listen with empathy. Listen carefully to your child, and then mirror back to him what he has said, naming the emotions for him. Listening to your child doesn't mean solving the problem for him, dismissing it, or joking him out of a bad mood. Use examples from your own life to show him you understand what he's said ("I used to feel bad when my neighbour wanted to play with the big kids instead of me.") This tells the child that he is not alone in feeling the sting of rejection, and that those feelings can be dealt with.

Help your child find words to express his emotions. Children often have trouble describing what they feel. You can help your child develop an emotional vocabulary by giving him labels for his feelings. If he's mad, you might say, "You feel angry about that, don't you?" or at other times, "That must have been a disappointment," or "Did that make you feel shy?" You can also let him know that it's natural to have conflicting emotions about something-for instance, he may be both excited and scared during his first week at school.

Set limits while you teach problem-solving. Part of helping your child to solve problems is establishing clear limits on his behaviour, then guiding him toward a solution. For example, you can say, "I know you're angry at your little sister, but you can't hit her. What could you do instead?" Give him a set of options to choose from. Anger management specialist Lynne Namka advises telling your child to first check his tummy, jaw, and fists to see if they're tight, breathe deeply "to blow the mad out," and to feel good about getting his control. Then, Namka says, help your child use a strong voice to talk his anger out, beginning with something like, "I feel mad when you _____________." Children should know that it's okay to be angry, as long as they don't hurt other people for that reason.
Your child might also want to talk to you about why he's angry, draw pictures about what makes him angry, or act out the story with toys.
More tips for promoting EQ:

• Use plenty of praise to promote behaviours you'd like to see more often.
  
• Try to respect your child's choices, unless they would endanger safety or health. Honour small requests that you may not agree with; this will help your child make decisions on his own.
  
• Read books together. Many parents stop reading to their children once they learn to read on their own. But the stories your child is reading give you more to talk about, and you can draw on them to bring home emotional teaching.
  
• Encourage your child to play sports or get involved in after-school activities. Both of these help them relate to others.

What you should avoid when teaching EQ
Avoid engaging in behaviour you don't want your child to imitate. It's important not be verbally harsh when you're angry. Try saying, "It upsets me when you do X," rather than "You drive me crazy" or "How can you be so dumb?" That way, your child understands that the problem is his behaviour, not who he is. Be careful to avoid mean or sarcastic remarks and excessive criticism, which chip away at a child's self-confidence.
At this stage, children sometimes show their independence by being disrespectful and sassy. Don't take the remarks personally, but do set limits and enforce them, and always tell your kids when they hurt your feelings.
Avoid siding with "the enemy." When teachers or other authority figures are insensitive, children often seek sympathy from their parents. Be sure to find out what happened before you make judgments.

When Should You not be an emotion coach
When you don't have time. Children listen better when you're not under time pressure, in danger of constant interruption, or taking calls on a cell phone. Try to engage your kids while doing chores such as washing dishes, cooking, or doing the laundry.
When other people are close enough to hear your conversation. It's hard to coach a misbehaving child in front of relatives, friends, or a teacher. Talking in front of a sibling should be avoided, since focusing on one child's feelings may upset the other. Tell your child you plan to discuss the issue at another time, and then make sure to follow up.
When you're too upset or tired to listen. Take a break to revitalize yourself.
When you think your child is being manipulative. If he is whining and crying to get his way, it's probably not the best time for coaching. Try to postpone talking until your child is calm and can listen without distractions.