He is a Thinker, She is a Feeler:
Can They Still Find Happiness Together?

Leahcim Semaj, PhD - Change Agent

Thinking and Feeling represent the two different ways that people use to come to conclusions. As with Introverts and Extraverts, the evidence indicates that we all have an inborn preference. This however is represented by a continuum. No one is exclusively one or the other. A common problem that we encounter is that these terms have a somewhat different meaning in the area of Personality Type than in casual conversation. It is not true that Thinkers have no Feelings and vice versa. Both Thinking and Feeling are rational processes by which we make decisions. When faced with a decision, Thinkers tend to step back and take a more impersonal and detached approach. Feelers, on the other hand, tend to focus on their personal values, how they feel about the issue and how others may feel about the issue.

Thinkers
Make decisions based primarily on objective and impersonal criteria- what makes the most sense and what is logical. They tend to be cool, analytical, and are convinced by logical reasoning.

Value logic, fairness and justice
Naturally see flaws
May seem heartless and insensitive
Desire achievement
Truth more important than tact
Are cool & reserved
Are objective
Are honest & direct
Are naturally critical
Are motivated by achievement

Thinkers Communicating:

Prefer to be brief and concise
Want the pros and cons of each alternative to be listed
Can be intellectually critical and objective
Convinced by cool, impersonal reasoning
Present goals and objectives first
Consider emotions and feelings as data to weigh
In meetings, seek involvement with tasks

Feelers
Make decisions based primarily on their personal values and how they feel about the choices. They tend to be sensitive, empathetic, and are compelled by extenuating circumstances and a constant search for harmony.

Value empathy and harmony
Naturally like to please others
May seem illogical and weak
Desire to be appreciated
Tact and truth important
Are warm and friendly
Get their feelings hurt easily
Are sensitive & diplomatic
Try hard to please others
Are motivated by being appreciated

Feelers Communicating:

Prefer to be sociable and friendly
Want to know why an alternative is valuable and how it affects people
Can be interpersonally appreciative
Convinced by personal information, enthusiastically delivered
Present points of agreement first
Consider logic and objectivity as data to value
In meetings, seek involvement with people

IT IS THINKING AND FEELING, NOT MARS AND VENUS
Thinking and Feeling is the only type dimension on which we find significant gender differences with males being 65% Thinkers and females 65% Feelers. This variable appears to contain the main issues that we associate as gender differences. In addition, we still socialize our children differently with respect to this dimension. Girls are more encouraged to be Feelers by how we dress them and how we expect them to behave. Boys are expected to be Thinkers; to be assertive, competitive and not show emotions. The careers choices are generally expected to be associated with these choices. The bigger problem surfaces when males realize that they really are Feelers and females that they are Thinkers. The Thinking female has greater acceptance and has utilized this trait both at school and work. The Feeling male has fewer degrees of freedom with respect to life choices in Jamaica today. Boys who appear to be too sensitive and gentle run the risk of being labeled “Chi-Chi men”.

Let’s look at the advice given by Paul D. Tieger and Barbara Barron-Tieger in their book “Just Your Type”.
When both of you are Thinkers
The Good side:
You tend to be direct and honest
Are consistent and logical
Rarely compromise your principles

The Challenging side:
May be critical, blunt or insensitive
May not understand emotional causes of conflicts
May not risk sharing emotionally

When both of you are Feelers
The Good side:
Are eager to understand each other
Are warm, compassionate and expressive
Are eager to connect emotionally

The Challenging side:
Take everything personally
Are sensitive to criticism
Tend to avoid conflict